Mommy why don't I have any hair?

This may sound like the craziest thing, but there are times when I forget that Aly has cancer.  You would probably wonder how on earth that is possible, but I really do.  Perhaps we have experienced the worse.  I know I could not say this in July.  Those 28 days of steroids, constant eating, mood swings, seeing Aly so uncomfortable .... there is no way I could have forgotten about this horrible disease that has taken over her life.  But now, its like the calm "after" the storm.  I think the only ones that can truly understand this, are those that see her on a regular basis.  They see her laugh, they see her play, they see her expressing her creativity in painting, making crafts and music.  She doesn't appear "ill".  I worry that I am being too relaxed, or taking her "health" for granted. I see those commercials on TV, or infomercials for Sick Kids hospital or St. Judes, and it always shows the kids with Leukemia, hospitalized with feeding tubes etc.  I know there are many forms of treatment, and each case is different, but I sometimes get wrapped up in thinking " wow, are we the lucky ones?" ..... or are we still only 7 months into a 2.5 year treatment plan, and we haven't even started to experience the hard times. I do not take these good times for granted at all.
  Aly used to have sleep overs at her Granny and Papa's every Sunday night before she was diagnosed, however since that time she has not slept anywhere but in her own bed and the hospital.  Last night was the first time that she stayed over at Granny and Papa's again.  She was so happy....and so were they.

A couple nights ago I was laying in bed with Aly just before bedtime.  She likes me to tell her stories about her ( Once upon a time there was a girl named Aly ......) but they have to be true - I am not allowed to make anything up - so we just relive the day, or a special occasion.  That night I told her the story of Christmas, and we talked about preparing for Santa coming, and how fun it was on Christmas day to see her other (second) cousins.  As I am trying to find the words and scenarios to make up these stories she loves so much, she cuts me off and says " mommy, why don't I have any hair"  Well she might as well have just kicked me in the stomach, as I had no idea how to respond to this.  I often struggle to figure out if I want to tell her she has cancer, and if I do, what kind of detail do I go into.  Right now she knows that she had a bug in her blood and her Dr gave her medicine that helped get rid of that bug.  She has asked why we still go to clinic if she is better, and I just tell her that we just need to make sure that bug never comes back.  I don't know that I want her to know that she has no hair because of that bug.  Now as a sidebar here, Aly didn't have a lot of hair to begin with, however it was just yesterday that I really noticed how much hair she has lost.   I often forget that she is a smart kid, and we talk about her, in front of her, she understands what we are saying and hears us, even if it seems like she is not paying attention at all.  The other day she also asked me if she was fat - that shocked me as well.  I know that body issues are often an issue with young girls, but not 3!!!  Again, I think she has probably heard me, and others, talk about the weight she gained while on steroids not to mention the fact that she gets weighed each time she visits the cancer clinic ( she weighs 33 lbs and is 95.5 cm tall).  Anyway, back to the question of why she has no hair ..... I just let her know that everyone has different hair.  I said that Granny has curly hair, Papa has grey hair, Heather has long hair, Uncle Stew has dark hair.  I also told her that when I was her age I didn't really have any hair either .... and her cousin Karlee was the same ( I had to go and get a picture to prove it to her)  She seemed to be comfortable with that response because within minutes she was fast asleep in my arms.  I hate that she has noticed that. When I think about it there are not too many kids at the clinic that have no hair right now, so perhaps she feels a bit different.

Everyone says that its nice that she is so young and will probably not remember any of this.  Part of me hopes she forgets the hard times - the steroids, the meltdowns when they access her port, the sedation etc ... but I am not sure when or how I tell her she had cancer, especially when she is old enough to know what that is.  When she goes to school next fall, do I tell them?  do I have to?  what if I don't?  I want her to be "Aly" and just like the other kids in her class, I don't want her to be the kid with cancer.  But at the same time, perhaps its an opportunity to teach others about cancer ..........ahhhh - so confusing.  Who am I kidding, we can't even decide on where she is going to go to school. I suppose I should figure that our before I worry about how the teachers and other students will treat her.

This is Aly on June 19th 2010 which was a Sunday, and she was admitted to KGH 5 days later and received her first blood transfusion.

This is Aly 2 nights ago.  Its hard to see here (I will try to get a better shot of the back of her head) but she has nothing but chemo fuzz.